Hi Maura,
I came to a decision last night. How I arrived at it is outlined below, but I will first tell you what it is.
I feel it is best for all concerned if you do NOT come over to Ireland before December.
When I began this process back on January 20, I thought between two fully grown adults with good writing skills and email at their disposal, an agreement could be reached or at least a date for meaningful discussions could be agreed on within two months.
I was wrong. Now, I actually think it would be more of a hindrance than a help for you to come over too soon.
Should you wish to learn how I arrived at this turnaround, read on.
The other night I came home around 830pm after what had been a reasonably stressful day. I have been letting a number of issues get to me recently, and they were particularly preying on my mind that evening.
When I arrived home, I found not only was Grandma going through my papers pertaining to my divorce, she had also cooked herself a meal using the stove, against everyone’s wishes.
Granted I was an hour later than I had said I’d be, and maybe she was hungry. Nonetheless I was annoyed that she used the stove despite the presence of a conspicuous sign to the contrary rather than simply call me, when she would have learned that part of the reason for my tardiness was the fact that I had stopped off at a takeaway on the way home.
My general angst led me to raise my voice, and I’m sure you can imagine how Mom reacted. I was quick to calm down, but I was still determined to get across my point that I needed to know what I had to do to convince her to at least call me before she took any unnecessary actions.
It was then I realized how I was coming across to her. No matter how articulate I was being, no matter how much I calmed my voice down, no matter what actual words I was using, all Grandma could hear was :
“Jeff is yelling at me
Jeff is yelling at me
Jeff is yelling at me”
This realisation reminded me of that part of the book/movie "The Shining" when the wife looks at the typewriter and realizes all her husband had written all that time was “all work and no play makes jack a dull boy” over and over and over again.
I then simply apologized to Mom, made her a stiff gin and tonic, and retired to my room.
I resigned myself to the fact that it was extremely pointless trying to come to an agreement with grandma on our day-to-day existence, and that it was up to me to allow for this and compose myself when something like this happens in the future, which of course it will.
I then decided to read back through your various responses to my emails of late, and study them a bit more closely. I was led to a greater understanding of their content, since up to then I had been under the impression that you were being deliberately obtuse to stall for time.
Now, when I read your correspondence, it seems to be clear where you are coming from. No matter what I have said, no matter how eloquently I have put forward my case, no matter what the specifics of our situation, all you appear to see when you read my emails is :
“Jeff is attacking me
Jeff is attacking me
Jeff is attacking me”
If this is the case, I am wasting my time.
I now have an idea how Wendy Torrance felt when she looked at the typewriter. If your first reaction to this analogy is that I am somehow comparing you to an axe murderer, then it pretty much proves my point.
Let’s put a pin in it for now, Maura, and leave it until Christmas.
I have not given up, I have not conceded anything.
I have just come to the conclusion that it best serves what I am overall trying to achieve to let this matter go for the time being.
I hope this serves us both well.
Yours sincerely,
Jeff
