Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [handwritten, sent via snail mail]
February 3, 2005
Dear Jeff,
You asked for it – I hope you don’t regret it.
Firstly, I must set the record straight about why I did not spend Xmas in Ireland, as you see to think that this was my choice, and it most decidedly was not.
Upon my return to work in early September, I asked my boss to tell me if he was planning on going away at Xmas, as I would like to start making me own plans. Peter informed me then that Joanne – the woman who substitutes for me when I am away – had already requested 3 weeks of vacation in December – from the 13th to January 3rd. As the both of us could not be away at the same time, this meant that I could not take this time off, but had to make other plans.
The other factor in this equation is that, for the past year, I’ve been working for a large company (Applera Corp) which has lots of employees all over the world, and very little of the warm & fuzzy. Where once my employers would close for 2 weeks and pay us all, now we are allowed 2 [3?] paid holidays during the season, all other time is lodged against our accruals, and the doors stay open w/ business as usual for every other non-holiday day.
Welcome to Hard Working America!
So it was not my choice to spend Xmas here – not by any stretch. I was actually quite disappointed and developed an attitude toward Joanne for having the nerve to preclude my yearly trip.
I have been spending Xmas in Ireland every year since 1998. except for the first trip – which was wholly subsidized by Mom, God love her – I have neither asked for nor received any incentive for my trip other than the desire to spend Xmas w/ my family. This desire has been strong enough to ensure my arrival in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 & 2003. Why is it, then, that you say I’m looking for excuses not to go? This accusation astonishes me.
Despite the apathy you seem to believe I hold, I find the recent barrage of emails to be extremely and exhaustively draining. My weeks are not my own – I leave my house at 8am and I return home at 8pm, ready for dinner & bed. My commute is hideous but I truly like my job and after 6 yrs I have no thought of moving on. As a consequence I must defer most non-work events to the weekend and that is only 2 days long (with lots of chores screaming to be done).
Last weekend I wrote a letter (which I may mail, some day) and composing it took up the entire time.
You’ve frightened me, though. I would never have believed you to be so, so, so – so – what is the word? Vicious? No – that’s not it. Resentful, full of indignation and anger – lots of anger.
So I’m defensive, and yet I won’t retreat because that would mean surrender and that is not something that I am prepared to do.
For years I have not criticized, not challenged OR questioned, and yet what exactly has this produced? Rather than giving me the reputation as easy going and not prone to find fault, my restraint seems to have translated itself into some sort of apathetic, uncaring & unfeeling non-person.
I suppose one might say this serves me right for not being Open and Honest, but I beg to differ, because I know exactly what sort of a reaction I would have received had I gone the Open/Honest route – exactly what I’m getting now.
So maybe I’ve been wrong because I’ve only postponed it, but that point is moot.
I cannot allow you to continue believing that I will never react in any way regardless how I’m treated – it just ain’t so! I won’t go overboard but I will complain and complain loudly if anyone treats me in such a way as to show a complete lack of common courtesy – this is a given. I’m glad to say that none of my colleagues or friends or people I’m thrown together w/ in my daily life ever treat me so poorly, so it is a shock to me.
It has been my fault that this has not been made clear before now. I realize that this must seem like a mixed signal after all these years but I figure if I continue to accept treatment that is unacceptable, then eventually it will become all that I deserve. I do hope very much that you agree.
You really must try to look at things from another person’s point of view – you haven’t done this, at least not with me.
You expect other people to react to things the same way that you do and when they don’t, you say they are wrong. This is almost always a very wrong-headed way to view the world.
I mis-spoke when I called you spoiled – you were never spoiled, but you also were never completely disabused of the notion that you were the center of the universe.
This is partly true because it was true – you were the center of our universe, and everything we did and thought and planned was hinged w/ you.
But as a preparation for Life in the Real World, then I fear that this misconception and its furtherance, fueling, and re-enforcing through the years, has perhaps given you a world view that is not precisely realistic.
If you had a son and he’d been taking care of your mother then you would have asked him how he was doing etcetera, etcetera.
Please forgive the inexact quotation, but I’m sure you know to what I refer.
And my question is this:
But would you?
Would you really?
The centre would have shifted, if you were me, and you would no longer be the son requiring the encouragement and thoughtful queries, but the parent, feeling – what?
That is what you must answer, and answer truthfully, if any gain is to be had from this exercise.
Just because a person reacts differently than the way you think you would act does not make them wrong – please think about this – please!
Remember the shifting centre and all the things that you don’t know about that are going on in that other person’s life.
As I write these words, I realize their futility – you will not accept this as a possibility and may even throw it back at me w/some bizarre incident from the past where I’ve said or done something that would seem to contradict what I’ve just said and – AHA! See?!!? Proof!
So what’s the point? I despair of ever making you see how wrong-headed you’re being about so much, and can almost hear your rebuttal.
The point is that this must be resolved and so despair is not an option.
I’m going to put this in the mail toady and keep a copy, then continue tomorrow.
Perhaps by March, I shall be done.
xx
Love,
Maura
February 3, 2005
Dear Jeff,
You asked for it – I hope you don’t regret it.
Firstly, I must set the record straight about why I did not spend Xmas in Ireland, as you see to think that this was my choice, and it most decidedly was not.
Upon my return to work in early September, I asked my boss to tell me if he was planning on going away at Xmas, as I would like to start making me own plans. Peter informed me then that Joanne – the woman who substitutes for me when I am away – had already requested 3 weeks of vacation in December – from the 13th to January 3rd. As the both of us could not be away at the same time, this meant that I could not take this time off, but had to make other plans.
The other factor in this equation is that, for the past year, I’ve been working for a large company (Applera Corp) which has lots of employees all over the world, and very little of the warm & fuzzy. Where once my employers would close for 2 weeks and pay us all, now we are allowed 2 [3?] paid holidays during the season, all other time is lodged against our accruals, and the doors stay open w/ business as usual for every other non-holiday day.
Welcome to Hard Working America!
So it was not my choice to spend Xmas here – not by any stretch. I was actually quite disappointed and developed an attitude toward Joanne for having the nerve to preclude my yearly trip.
I have been spending Xmas in Ireland every year since 1998. except for the first trip – which was wholly subsidized by Mom, God love her – I have neither asked for nor received any incentive for my trip other than the desire to spend Xmas w/ my family. This desire has been strong enough to ensure my arrival in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 & 2003. Why is it, then, that you say I’m looking for excuses not to go? This accusation astonishes me.
Despite the apathy you seem to believe I hold, I find the recent barrage of emails to be extremely and exhaustively draining. My weeks are not my own – I leave my house at 8am and I return home at 8pm, ready for dinner & bed. My commute is hideous but I truly like my job and after 6 yrs I have no thought of moving on. As a consequence I must defer most non-work events to the weekend and that is only 2 days long (with lots of chores screaming to be done).
Last weekend I wrote a letter (which I may mail, some day) and composing it took up the entire time.
You’ve frightened me, though. I would never have believed you to be so, so, so – so – what is the word? Vicious? No – that’s not it. Resentful, full of indignation and anger – lots of anger.
So I’m defensive, and yet I won’t retreat because that would mean surrender and that is not something that I am prepared to do.
For years I have not criticized, not challenged OR questioned, and yet what exactly has this produced? Rather than giving me the reputation as easy going and not prone to find fault, my restraint seems to have translated itself into some sort of apathetic, uncaring & unfeeling non-person.
I suppose one might say this serves me right for not being Open and Honest, but I beg to differ, because I know exactly what sort of a reaction I would have received had I gone the Open/Honest route – exactly what I’m getting now.
So maybe I’ve been wrong because I’ve only postponed it, but that point is moot.
I cannot allow you to continue believing that I will never react in any way regardless how I’m treated – it just ain’t so! I won’t go overboard but I will complain and complain loudly if anyone treats me in such a way as to show a complete lack of common courtesy – this is a given. I’m glad to say that none of my colleagues or friends or people I’m thrown together w/ in my daily life ever treat me so poorly, so it is a shock to me.
It has been my fault that this has not been made clear before now. I realize that this must seem like a mixed signal after all these years but I figure if I continue to accept treatment that is unacceptable, then eventually it will become all that I deserve. I do hope very much that you agree.
You really must try to look at things from another person’s point of view – you haven’t done this, at least not with me.
You expect other people to react to things the same way that you do and when they don’t, you say they are wrong. This is almost always a very wrong-headed way to view the world.
I mis-spoke when I called you spoiled – you were never spoiled, but you also were never completely disabused of the notion that you were the center of the universe.
This is partly true because it was true – you were the center of our universe, and everything we did and thought and planned was hinged w/ you.
But as a preparation for Life in the Real World, then I fear that this misconception and its furtherance, fueling, and re-enforcing through the years, has perhaps given you a world view that is not precisely realistic.
If you had a son and he’d been taking care of your mother then you would have asked him how he was doing etcetera, etcetera.
Please forgive the inexact quotation, but I’m sure you know to what I refer.
And my question is this:
But would you?
Would you really?
The centre would have shifted, if you were me, and you would no longer be the son requiring the encouragement and thoughtful queries, but the parent, feeling – what?
That is what you must answer, and answer truthfully, if any gain is to be had from this exercise.
Just because a person reacts differently than the way you think you would act does not make them wrong – please think about this – please!
Remember the shifting centre and all the things that you don’t know about that are going on in that other person’s life.
As I write these words, I realize their futility – you will not accept this as a possibility and may even throw it back at me w/some bizarre incident from the past where I’ve said or done something that would seem to contradict what I’ve just said and – AHA! See?!!? Proof!
So what’s the point? I despair of ever making you see how wrong-headed you’re being about so much, and can almost hear your rebuttal.
The point is that this must be resolved and so despair is not an option.
I’m going to put this in the mail toady and keep a copy, then continue tomorrow.
Perhaps by March, I shall be done.
xx
Love,
Maura
