Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [handwritten sent by snail mail]
Dear Jeff,
I hope you will excuse the pencil. Think of it as my manual delete key.
This is part 2 of my “story”? “rebuttal”? “apologia”? No – most definitely not that. Although there may be many things in my past for which I feel regret (you are very wrong to think me unaware of any misunderstanding of mistakes I have made), my knowledge & awareness does not automatically assume I must apologize – particularly after having seen the synonyms offered by my friend Webster – excuse? pretext? alibi?
Eventually I hope to address many issues from your recent barrage of messages, but as I sense your impatience, I shall begin at the end and, if I find a receptive audience, I will continue. Please note well that I say a receptive audience – this does not mean one who agrees or even believes, but rather one able or inclined to receive what it is I have to say, sans sarcasm, sans hostility.
Should you wish at any time to stop my efforts, that will make it very easy for you. Silence will be interpreted as a non-hostile act, within reason.
To facilitate my long term plan with regard to addressing specific issues, I have assigned each of your core messages an alpha-numeric code. These are the 4 messages that contain all the issues & responses and etceteras that comprise this event (for want of a better word). The key to this code is enclosed and may be revised if it is too narrow. I’m trying to keep it as simple as possible without adding confusion to all the other negatives already extant in this matter. If the message is referred to simply as “#J4” or “#J1”, you can assume I mean the last post of this message – i.e. the way a message with extensive threads prints out, in descending fashion. The code “J1 Thurs Jan 20 8:42am” would refer to your original message of the subject “Latest Update”.
If you are thinking that this is more complicated than it needs to be, then you may be right but then again you may be wrong.
So! That said, I shall proceed to message J4, and work my way through it as far as I have energy, then make a copy and mail the original & continue later from where I off left.
“1. Please do not read too much into the fact that I put this first.”
How much is too much? You read Freud (although I’m inclined to agree that those of us who read him in English got a bum steer thanks to his translators) so I assume you take it all into account. Even what you called “Hitting The Wrong Button” (as obvious/non-obvious a play on words as Freud could ever hope for) sounds an awful like Fehlleistung[1] (or, in English, what was translated as a parapaxis, for some dumb reason). Much – most! – of your correspondence lately is of a very patronizing tone – one that insinuates a righteousness that is just a little on the pompous side. I sincerely hope that this does not mean your mind is closed.
“I sincerely hope you do not think for a second that ‘we need to talk’ is in any way your idea or suggestion.”
The fact that it WAS MY “idea” or suggestion to which you referred (contained in my letter dated January 29, 2005) suggests that you had omitted the adverb “first” in the sentence, and were remarking on what you saw as a fact – that you had “…been trying for years, extremely unsucessfully, to bring about such a discussion.” In other words, what I was suggesting (as you saw, perhaps, offered as a New and Untried Experience?) was, to you, something well worn and unsuccessful.
The problem I was w/ this is that I cannot recall one instance when you said anything to me that led me to believe you wanted a serious discussion to take place. I’m sorry but I’ve searched my memory and come up w/ zip, zero – not one remembrance.
Perhaps you will send me something to aid in retrieving this memory? A keyword? A cookie dipped in lemon tea?
I give this point such lengthy discussion as I see the issue therein to be perhaps a part of our problem : interpretation. I say A; you hear B. You say C. I hear D. That makes for NONSENSE, and if it is at work, would go very far in explaining why you and I are having such difficulties.
The only other explanations I came up w/ are:
I don’t remember because I’m in denial;
I don’t remember because it never happened;
I do remember but I’m lying.
You probably lean toward 1, with 3 as a close runner-up. I, however, KNOW that 3 is not true and that 1 is also very unlikely, based upon what I know in my heart. 2 I also disbelieve but that only leaves us with my original assertion – that we sometimes don’t speak the same language.
The possibility is particularly likely for a family that is uncomfortable as the Lees about voicing our feelings.
I cannot imagine why I would deliberately derail an effort on your part to discuss serious issues – particularly as I have long known that we have much to talk about someday. I had not actually given up, but I HAD come to the conclusion that:
you had made up your mind about your past as it relates to me
you did not welcome input from me
there was nothing I could do to change your mind about mee, and to make an attempt would risk alienation
This impression was based on many things, but mostly
your lack of interest in anything I have to say on any issue that doesn’t interest you;
your insistence that I be called by my Christian name rather than one which assumes a familial connection;
the strong impression that I am given from the very first that, which Rebecca and Christopher may, technically & biologically, be my grandchildren, I was never to assume that this gave me any rights in any way, shape or form to anything at all to do w/ them.
There has always been the unspken GIVEN – as a mother I was nothing, having voluntarily relinquished any vestige of maternal pwer/authority/strength/whatever. This stigma would, of course, pass along through all generations where I would be APART from the family. No perhaps a genuine pariah, but definitely not one of the CORE family.
Mom & Dad bought into this to a point, but both come to eventually ignore it as they got older.
You, however, seemed in most recent years to grow impatient with me – as if I wasn’t being scorned enough. I don’t know how much of this is real, how much is mis-interpretation, how much is just fantast, but I DO know ONE thing, and that is, it is how I feel, and is what I’ve lived with and based on my visits on trying to co-exist with as few traumas as possible and perhaps even (if at all possible) to have a pleasant xmas with my family.
All in all, I have to say that I was successful in my xmas visits and the traumas when they occurred were not ones that damaged beyond repair.
Of course, it was not to you that I looked as a combatant, which may have been a mistake.
Moving on to the next item, which appears to be the meaty one.
“2. I would be interested to know what exactly it is you expect us to be talking about?”
here are my issues :
why I moved away from 100 Buchanan Road when you were 3.
why you went to Ireland w/ Mom & Dad.
why these were my only options
Will that do, for a start?
Please elaborate on your VISION – what part of this is the goal, if it is a goal you are seeking?
Please do not think I am being anything but quizzical – you’ve confused me greatly by this idea and I need more input if I am to assist in any way.
I need to know what it is, exactly, you wish to have attained by July 10, 2009, other than your 40th year.
Please enlighten.
“3. I am not thoroughly convinced that a face-to-face meeting will fully resolve this matter…”
Of course it won’t RESOLVE anything, but is resolution the only acceptable end? I should think that anything that aids in understanding between us would be welcome.
I do not understand your point in the next sentence – why is my statement on my hesitation in revealing my deepest feelings, seem to you a problem? I’m particularly confused by your “girlfriend” quote –what does this mean? Please remember that I don’t watch television, so if this phrase evokes a certain frame of mind because of a well-known tv incident, it’s Greek to me. Sorry, but there it is.
From the context I would take your meaning to be that no one in the world “spills their guts” with anything but trepidation (except maybe Alex Zimmer and, while that is probably true enough, I do not understand it makes the problem. Do you think a face-off is unwise? Should correspondence be used to this end? The paragraph, it seems to me, could lean either way.
“4. … I think if you are really committed to making this meeting a reality, I say book both your vacation time and your flights NOW regardless of price.”
I can see your interpretation of my not doing this as meaning that (obviously) I lacked a real commitment. However, this is fallacious as there are other interpretations available that are just as valid. The world rarely exists in such Manichean[2] terms, particularly the world of responsibilities.
I have cats that are getting old and need special care and cannot be left alone for long periods.
I have a job that at times requires my undivided attention.
I hope you will excuse the pencil. Think of it as my manual delete key.
This is part 2 of my “story”? “rebuttal”? “apologia”? No – most definitely not that. Although there may be many things in my past for which I feel regret (you are very wrong to think me unaware of any misunderstanding of mistakes I have made), my knowledge & awareness does not automatically assume I must apologize – particularly after having seen the synonyms offered by my friend Webster – excuse? pretext? alibi?
Eventually I hope to address many issues from your recent barrage of messages, but as I sense your impatience, I shall begin at the end and, if I find a receptive audience, I will continue. Please note well that I say a receptive audience – this does not mean one who agrees or even believes, but rather one able or inclined to receive what it is I have to say, sans sarcasm, sans hostility.
Should you wish at any time to stop my efforts, that will make it very easy for you. Silence will be interpreted as a non-hostile act, within reason.
To facilitate my long term plan with regard to addressing specific issues, I have assigned each of your core messages an alpha-numeric code. These are the 4 messages that contain all the issues & responses and etceteras that comprise this event (for want of a better word). The key to this code is enclosed and may be revised if it is too narrow. I’m trying to keep it as simple as possible without adding confusion to all the other negatives already extant in this matter. If the message is referred to simply as “#J4” or “#J1”, you can assume I mean the last post of this message – i.e. the way a message with extensive threads prints out, in descending fashion. The code “J1 Thurs Jan 20 8:42am” would refer to your original message of the subject “Latest Update”.
If you are thinking that this is more complicated than it needs to be, then you may be right but then again you may be wrong.
So! That said, I shall proceed to message J4, and work my way through it as far as I have energy, then make a copy and mail the original & continue later from where I off left.
“1. Please do not read too much into the fact that I put this first.”
How much is too much? You read Freud (although I’m inclined to agree that those of us who read him in English got a bum steer thanks to his translators) so I assume you take it all into account. Even what you called “Hitting The Wrong Button” (as obvious/non-obvious a play on words as Freud could ever hope for) sounds an awful like Fehlleistung[1] (or, in English, what was translated as a parapaxis, for some dumb reason). Much – most! – of your correspondence lately is of a very patronizing tone – one that insinuates a righteousness that is just a little on the pompous side. I sincerely hope that this does not mean your mind is closed.
“I sincerely hope you do not think for a second that ‘we need to talk’ is in any way your idea or suggestion.”
The fact that it WAS MY “idea” or suggestion to which you referred (contained in my letter dated January 29, 2005) suggests that you had omitted the adverb “first” in the sentence, and were remarking on what you saw as a fact – that you had “…been trying for years, extremely unsucessfully, to bring about such a discussion.” In other words, what I was suggesting (as you saw, perhaps, offered as a New and Untried Experience?) was, to you, something well worn and unsuccessful.
The problem I was w/ this is that I cannot recall one instance when you said anything to me that led me to believe you wanted a serious discussion to take place. I’m sorry but I’ve searched my memory and come up w/ zip, zero – not one remembrance.
Perhaps you will send me something to aid in retrieving this memory? A keyword? A cookie dipped in lemon tea?
I give this point such lengthy discussion as I see the issue therein to be perhaps a part of our problem : interpretation. I say A; you hear B. You say C. I hear D. That makes for NONSENSE, and if it is at work, would go very far in explaining why you and I are having such difficulties.
The only other explanations I came up w/ are:
I don’t remember because I’m in denial;
I don’t remember because it never happened;
I do remember but I’m lying.
You probably lean toward 1, with 3 as a close runner-up. I, however, KNOW that 3 is not true and that 1 is also very unlikely, based upon what I know in my heart. 2 I also disbelieve but that only leaves us with my original assertion – that we sometimes don’t speak the same language.
The possibility is particularly likely for a family that is uncomfortable as the Lees about voicing our feelings.
I cannot imagine why I would deliberately derail an effort on your part to discuss serious issues – particularly as I have long known that we have much to talk about someday. I had not actually given up, but I HAD come to the conclusion that:
you had made up your mind about your past as it relates to me
you did not welcome input from me
there was nothing I could do to change your mind about mee, and to make an attempt would risk alienation
This impression was based on many things, but mostly
your lack of interest in anything I have to say on any issue that doesn’t interest you;
your insistence that I be called by my Christian name rather than one which assumes a familial connection;
the strong impression that I am given from the very first that, which Rebecca and Christopher may, technically & biologically, be my grandchildren, I was never to assume that this gave me any rights in any way, shape or form to anything at all to do w/ them.
There has always been the unspken GIVEN – as a mother I was nothing, having voluntarily relinquished any vestige of maternal pwer/authority/strength/whatever. This stigma would, of course, pass along through all generations where I would be APART from the family. No perhaps a genuine pariah, but definitely not one of the CORE family.
Mom & Dad bought into this to a point, but both come to eventually ignore it as they got older.
You, however, seemed in most recent years to grow impatient with me – as if I wasn’t being scorned enough. I don’t know how much of this is real, how much is mis-interpretation, how much is just fantast, but I DO know ONE thing, and that is, it is how I feel, and is what I’ve lived with and based on my visits on trying to co-exist with as few traumas as possible and perhaps even (if at all possible) to have a pleasant xmas with my family.
All in all, I have to say that I was successful in my xmas visits and the traumas when they occurred were not ones that damaged beyond repair.
Of course, it was not to you that I looked as a combatant, which may have been a mistake.
Moving on to the next item, which appears to be the meaty one.
“2. I would be interested to know what exactly it is you expect us to be talking about?”
here are my issues :
why I moved away from 100 Buchanan Road when you were 3.
why you went to Ireland w/ Mom & Dad.
why these were my only options
Will that do, for a start?
Please elaborate on your VISION – what part of this is the goal, if it is a goal you are seeking?
Please do not think I am being anything but quizzical – you’ve confused me greatly by this idea and I need more input if I am to assist in any way.
I need to know what it is, exactly, you wish to have attained by July 10, 2009, other than your 40th year.
Please enlighten.
“3. I am not thoroughly convinced that a face-to-face meeting will fully resolve this matter…”
Of course it won’t RESOLVE anything, but is resolution the only acceptable end? I should think that anything that aids in understanding between us would be welcome.
I do not understand your point in the next sentence – why is my statement on my hesitation in revealing my deepest feelings, seem to you a problem? I’m particularly confused by your “girlfriend” quote –what does this mean? Please remember that I don’t watch television, so if this phrase evokes a certain frame of mind because of a well-known tv incident, it’s Greek to me. Sorry, but there it is.
From the context I would take your meaning to be that no one in the world “spills their guts” with anything but trepidation (except maybe Alex Zimmer and, while that is probably true enough, I do not understand it makes the problem. Do you think a face-off is unwise? Should correspondence be used to this end? The paragraph, it seems to me, could lean either way.
“4. … I think if you are really committed to making this meeting a reality, I say book both your vacation time and your flights NOW regardless of price.”
I can see your interpretation of my not doing this as meaning that (obviously) I lacked a real commitment. However, this is fallacious as there are other interpretations available that are just as valid. The world rarely exists in such Manichean[2] terms, particularly the world of responsibilities.
I have cats that are getting old and need special care and cannot be left alone for long periods.
I have a job that at times requires my undivided attention.
I have a limited number of vacation days available to me.
I have funds that are limited sriously by my ongoing effort to build up my 401 (k) plan to try and make up for all the years I put nothing aside for retirement.
So you see, I cannot just say “to hell with everything” and book a trip to Ireland, even if that was my dearest wish, which it is not.
I will come to talk if it is agreed that this could be a good thing. “March-ish” is not a stall technique – for God’s sake, what benefit would I get from stalling? You sound like I only go to ireland when dragged by my hair and we both know that this just ain’t so. 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 – 6 consecutive years I went to ireland for Xmas and only the first trip was subsidized. The rest were the result of my wish to spend Xmas w/ my family. If you believe that I was GLAD not to be in Ireland this past Xmas, then you are most definitely wrong. I missed being there very much & spent the day w/ a very hollow, odd feeling, akin to homesickness.
I’m all wrote out. To be continued, very soon.
xx Maura
KEY TO MESSAGES
J #1……..Sent : Saturday, January 22, 2005 4:11AM PST Subject Re : Latest Update?
J # 2……..Sent : Monday January 24, 2005 2:24AM Subject : shooting fish in a barrel[3] (?)
J # 3………Sent : Tuesday January 25, 2005 4:17PM PST Subject : Re : Last one I promise … I suggest you read carefully
J # 4 …….. Sent : Thursday, February 3, 2005 8:15AM PST Subject : re : San Francisco
